Emmett's Llama Obsession
by Xx-Fax to the Max-xX
Summary: TWO-SHOT! One floppy day, Emmett gets bored and discovers -LE GASP!- the llama song. When his friends find out, Emmett meets Mr. Unexpected. Which creature will confess that they, too, love the song? OOC. Rated T for mild/suggestive lang.
1. LE GASP!

**Umm…yea. So I'm back! And I've changed my name from XoTwilighteroX to Live-Laugh-Love-Twilight. Do ya like it? **

**Anywho, Bella and the Cullens have discovered -GASP!- The Llama Song!!! Or more accurately, Emmett has discovered The Llama Song and his friends are going bonkers about how obsessed he is over it. For the magical llama song, you can find it in my profile. Oh, and if you have time, you should really read my profile. If you're a hee-uge Twilight lover. Which you should be, since your reading this story.**

**I have to admit, the story's**** pretty tacky, but I wrote it completely out of boredom. On wit da story….**

**NOTE for early readers: This is the new version I was talking about!!!!**

**Emmett POV:**

Oh, how boring. Yet another Saturday, and nothing to do. Edward is over at Bella's house, Alice is out shopping with Rose, and Jasper's doing…erm…actually I forgot, but yeah. You get the gist of it and all.

I originally had plans to go hunting with the whole family, but every one had "last minute" plans. Even Esme and Carlisle. Ya, they were out enjoying the 'fresh air'.

As if.

Today was overcast with a few showers later on. OoOoOo, how surprising. Yes, that's Forks weather for you, right there.

I walked over to my nightstand, picking up my remote. When I sat down, I practically squeezed the life out of Rosie and my bed. Oh, what Rose and I did in our bed last night was so….and she was so se-

Uhm. (insert awkward silence here.) Heh.

I pressed the POWER button and the T.V. flickered on, then quickly shuffled through the channels. Nothing good was on, so I sighed and set the remote down, the T.V. screen landing on The Backyardigans.

Puh-lease. Ni-hao Kai-lan is SO much better. Why don't the just cancel the Backyardigans? Whatever.

And down I flopped on my bed, stomach against the blanket, head turned towards the T.V, my chin resting on my fists. Then I flopped around some more out of boredom. After five minutes of random flopping, I suddenly stopped, face down on the bed, completely confused on what to do. I flopped again so I was now stopped on my buttocks.

Ha-ha, buttocks. Such a random word. Also, have you ever wondered how buttons got their name? I mean, c'mon. Buttons. BUTTons. Why BUTTons? Hmm? Like, why-

Anyways.

I sighed and got up from the bed, turning off the boring television as well. I retrieved my laptop which was sitting on my desk and clicked on the green button that said Start. I then clicked on the program called 'Paint'. A window popped up. I clicked on the pencil and the color black, then went to work.

Based on the flopping thing, I drew a banana flopping on a butt. That didn't look quite right. I frowned. So I fixed it to make a BEAN flopping on a butt. Nah, that still didn't look right. My frown deepened. So I erased the butt and made something else. It looked odd, but promising. What an artistic piece!!

The bean was farting. How often do beans fart? Not often, I can tell you that. A big, fat, abnormal shaped bean farting. What a beautiful piece of art. I typed in some words to go along with the picture. It said:

_BEANS!_

_Beans, beans, they're good for your heart._

_The more you eat, the more you fart!_

_The more you fart, the better you feel!_

_Beans, beans, they're good for your heart__._

_So eat those beans, every meal!_

I chuckled and saved the picture, titling it 'Farting Bean'. Then I became bored again.

I sighed and closed the window. This wasn't helping very much. I went online to search for something fun to do. I typed in 'random things that make you have fun when you are bored'.

Up popped the results. I scrolled through, looking. Some of them were videos, some were how make up a random song, fun things to do, etc, etc. I typed in POP. Random stuff popped up again (ha-ha, pop, popped, get it? No? Ok, then, on with the story).

I sighed yet AGAIN and typed in llama. Up popped The Llama Song. I clicked on it out of curiosity.

The video had a black background with a white frame. On the video, various pictures popped up throughout the song, with the lyrics in a red background on the bottom. It went a little something like this:

_Here's a llama,_

_There's a llama,_

_And another little llama._

_Fuzzy llama,_

_Funny llama,_

_Llama, llama, _

_DUCK!_

_Llama, llama_

_Cheesecake, llama,_

_Tablet, brick, potato, llama,_

_Llama, llama,_

_Mushroom, llama,_

_Llama, llama,_

_DUCK!_

_I was once a tree house,_

_I lived in a cake._

_But I never saw the way_

_The orange slayed the rake._

_I was only three years dead,_

_But it told a tale!  
And now listen little child,_

_To the safety rail._

_Did you ever see a llama_

_Kiss a llama on the llama?_

_Llama's llama_

_Tastes of llama_

_Llama, llama_

_DUCK!  
_

_Half a llama,_

_Twice a llama,_

_Not a llama,_

_Farmer llama,_

_Llama in a car_

_Alarm a _

_llama, llama__,_

_DUCK!_

_Is it how it's told now?_

_Is it all so old?_

_Is it made of lemon juice?  
Doorknob, ankle, cold._

_Now my song is getting thin,_

_I've run out of luck!  
Time for me to retire now,_

_And become a duck._

Woah.

THAT IS THE MOST AWESOMEST SONG EVER! I listened to it over and over again, seeing as it kept on replaying itself over and over again, anyways.

After listening to it for 10 minutes, I came up with a VERY random song that I absolutely love, based on Baby Got Back:

_Oh. My. God. _

_Becky. _

_Look at her llama. _

_It's so...hairy. _

_It looks like one of those _

_farmer boys' llamas. _

_But y'know, _

_who understands those farmer boys. _

_They only talk to her _

'_cause she has such a hairy llama. _

_I mean her llama, it's just so fat._

_I can't believe it's so hairy, it's OUT there._

_I mean, it's so gross._

_Look! It's just so…HAIRY!_

MWAHAHAH! My obsession for llamas is crazy.

Uh-oh, I heard the garage door open. Edward must be home. Or Rosalie. Or Alice. Or Jasper. Or Esme and Carlisle. But y'know what I mean.

Oh, **S**ugar **H**oney **I**ce **T**ea! (Ok, I admit, I stole this from Warrior Cats Funniest Home Videos…)

"Oh…(insert random T.V. bleeping sound here),"

Something was about to come out of my mouth, and nobody will ever know what it was now. But I bet that nobody would guess that I would be saying, "Oh, dearie me," or at least something of that sort. 'Cause I said something way worse.

For at that moment, Edward chose to walk in with Bella, a knowing smile on his face.

The llama song was still playing, and now they would be teasing me for it. Well, Edward at least.

Plus, Edward knows how to read minds, so he probably already told Bella the Klutz.

Like psh, not fair. I mean I'm strong and all, but he's fast___**AND**_ can read minds?

Not cool.

Anyways, Bella would probably be completely weirded out, but you know. It's Bella we're talking about here.

Let me explain, but get ready. Up ahead is a long description of some moments of the wild adventures of hunting llamas.

_CUE FUZZY CORNER EFFECT THINGAMAJIGS:_

_Years ago, back when __the Cullen Clan didn't know what the best animals were to our tastes, we were trying out llamas. Ah, those horrifying tasting llamas._

_This was when I had first joined our clan. Though I had hunted other animals, llamas were weird creatures to feed on. Their big, awkward hooves, their fuzzy 'manes'. You had to kill them a little abnormally in order to succeed. Usually on regular animals, you wouldn't have to kill it first. You'd just clamp your teeth down on the desired spot._

_But llamas, ohhh, llamas. You had to pounce on their back, sink your teeth in their rear end and snap their neck AT THE SAME TIME or the blood wouldn't flow properly before you could feed. *sighs heavily*_

_Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Edward, and I linked arms and daintily skipped through the long grass to the tune of 'Barbie Girl'. Then I smelled a llama for the first time. We stopped abruptly as I sniffed harder, my muscles flexing, excited for the hunt. _

_Then I noticed the scent of those stinky pelts. Ugh. They sure wanted me to die. They pretty much smelled like sweaty gym socks and three-month old spinach casserole. Now, how do I know what three-month old spinach casserole smells like? _

_That's a different story._

_I lifted my head to follow the scent. It wasn't hard to miss, especially with this nose. I broke into a run, taking long strides, right, then left, then right, then left again._

_And there it was. TheHorridLlamaHimHerThingOfAllFormsOfDoomAndDestruction. Right before my eyes. _

_Eww. It looked so….ugly. My face was distorted in distaste as I wrung my hands and took another whiff of his ugly smell._

_Well, technically, I don't know what his gender is. It's not a him, it's not a her. And I can't call it an IT. I mean, that would be rude. And I can't mix him, her, and it together. 'Cause that would be shit. So she and him is safe. Let's call it a shim._

_On with the flashback._

_As I though__t this in my head, I could hear Edward chuckling louder then the others. I turned their way, growling silently. The other guys were watching, not bothering to catch anything. After all, I was the only one who really needed to hunt today, only because I was sort of a newborn. Carlisle was managing to keep a somewhat straight face, the others giggling a little, snorting with the attempt to hold back their laughter. I snarled, louder this time, and added a menacing hiss. They noticed I was watching and quickly put on poker faces._

_I turned away, my throat burning with desire to finally drink some freakin' animal blood. __And because I got so thirsty, I sprang with no thoughts on how to actually kill the damn thing, all my freakin' senses focused on TheHorridLlamaHimHerThingOfAllFormsOfDoomAndDestruction. That was a horrid mistake._

_So, springing at TheHorridLlamaHimHerThingOfAllFormsOfDoomAndDestruction with no other thoughts, of course, I missed. I MISSED. Shim dodged from my pounce, right at the last second, which of course I noticed, since I roughly landed on a rock, crushing my left arm. No harm was done, of course._

_But shim dodged._

_Shim__ DODGED._

_How? How did THAT happen? I had never missed in my entire vampire life, which I admit was only for three months, but STILL! I mean c'mon, I could've TOTALLY caught that._

_This angered me, so I put a little more force and pushed myself harder to aim in the right direction. And guess what?  
_

_I missed._

_Again._

_Great, now the whole family had something over me. Just great. Jolly good, really._

_The other guys laughed again, __inaudible to llama ears, but barely loud enough for me to notice. I spared half a second to glance their way, seeing Carlisle doubled over in laughter, Rosalie and Esme pointing and snickering, Edward writhing on the ground, twitching randomly. __**Bitches, **__I thought, only making Edward laugh harder._

_The llama was making shis__ escape. Oh-noes, like I cared now. But I was proud, so I wanted to show that I COULD kill TheHorridLlamaHimHerThingOfAllFormsOfDoomAndDestruction _

_Eh, yeah. That was pretty much the worst decision of the day for me, but I pounced a third time and actually got it right. My teeth sunk into shis rear end (which smelled VERY unpleasant), my hands searching for shis neck, my head spinning in frustration at this damn creature. The llama shrieked in terror, shis heart rate speeding up as I finally found my target. _

_I grabbed TheHorridLlamaHimHerThingOfAllFormsOfDoomAndDestruction'__s neck and snapped shim, and the lump of stinking fur sagged. I barely felt the weight and dropped it, ripping shim apart to feed. And I found out it was a male. _

_Don't ask how I know._

_I smelled the fresh killing of the llama blood, pouring out. I bit down harder, wa__nting more and more and more, his blood comforting the burning in the back of my throat._

_Then the taste actually made itself known._

"_DM*!T__!!!!"_

_Let's not go into detail, kids._

_I spat the vulgar blood out. Again and again I spat, trying to rid myself of the unbelievable taste of TheHorridLlamaHimHerThingOfAllFormsOfDoomAndDestruction, spitting out excess venom, too. It was amazing how much something so small caused so much pain._

_All of them were on the ground now, Edward with one hand pounding the ground lightly, the other holding his stomach as if the laughter hurt too much. Their voices were shaking the trees and long, long grass, the sky and clouds now, the ground rumbling in protest of being shaken so hard._

"_Guys," I said, waving my arms and jumping up and down trying to get their attention. "Can you hear me? Are you deaf? LISTEN!" I bellowed, none of them taking any notice to me._

"_Fine," I grumbled, impatient for them to get moving, "I'll go hunting alone." Which was fine by me, they were only here because they had nothing better to do._

_I ran a little bit, maybe three or four miles away from them, and suddenly I spotted another llama._

_Shim__ was purple. No. Freakin'. Way._

_I snuck up on shim and heard shim singing to shimself:_

"_Happy llama,_

_Sad llama,_

_Mentally disturbed llama,_

_Sneaky llama,_

_Drama llama,_

_Big fat momma llama._

_MOOSE!_

_I, BillyBobJoe the III, am a MOOSE!__"_

_Shim lied. Shim is a llama._

_Strange. But that meant shim__ spoke English! Which isn't very surprising, considering shim was purple. Since I wasn't too thirsty anymore, curiosity reared up at me instead. I wanted to know what shis name was, for some strange reason. So I asked shim. _

"_Hey, what's your name?" I asked, making no effort to hide anymore. (Ok, I stole this from Warrior Mouse Code, too…)_

"_I am You," shim replied._

"_Me?" I was confused._

"_No, You," shim replied again._

"_Listen, you crazy old llama, I asked you for your name."_

"_I told you, I am You," shim said, a little huffily._

"_No, what's your NAME? Are you deaf?" I was getting impatient now._

"_No, You is blind," shim said in a matter-of-fact voice._

"_ARGGGHHHHHH! Oh, wait, I get it. Your name is You."_

"_You has said that before." Shim looked annoyed now._

"_No I haven't! Oh, wait, yeah. So, you aren't BillyBobJoe the III?"_

_I'm not entirely sure why I was still talking to him._

"_Yes, You is." Shim said._

"_Er, but isn't your name You?"_

"_You is my surname. You given name is BillyBobJoe the III."_

_After digesting it for a while, I got the crazy llama's meaning._

"_Oh. Why are you purple?"_

"_You was born that way," he answered promptly._

"_Oh," I said again. Then I backed away slowly. If you consider 80 mph slow. Which I do, but y'know. I'm a vampire. _

_Sheesh, what a crazy llama._

_I ran in the direction of that I hoped was the right way back to Carlisle, Edward, Esme, and Rosalie. After running for, say, 30 seconds? I ran right into Esme. She had already stopped laughing, but RIGHT after I ran into her, she had convulsed into a heap of giggles._

_Oh, shii-_

_I meant Chicago. Heh._

"_You...llama…butt…ha, you missed…angry…run…HAHA!" _

_o_O_

_I had nothing to say._

_And then the rest of the gang chortled, and eventually they collapsed, too._

_It went a little something like this:_

"_Emmett, strong, miss, haha!" exclaimed Rosalie. At least she thought I was strong._

"_Haha, Emmett, llama, asshole, bitches, HA! SHIM! HAHAHAHA! __TheHorridLlamaHimHerThingOfAllFormsOfDoomAndDestruction!!! MWAHAHAHAA!__" Can you guess who that was? I'll give you a hint: Edward._

"_HAHA, EMMETT MISSED LLAMAA!!! HAHA! AHAHA! TWICE! HAHA! __TWICE!!__"_

_I tapped my foot impatiently, waiting for them to GET OVER IT._

_After about 1 hour, 29 minutes, and 15.7 seconds later, they stopped. FINALLY. _

_Now we could go home. At least I had gotten over the worst of it. I hoped._

_CUE FUZZY CORNER EFFECT THINGAMJIGS:_

**A/N: Ok, well that went a little better than I thought it would be. Also, I'm not finished yet. I went too much into detail, so I guess I'm gonna stretch it out into two chapters. His long flashback isn't over yet, I just ended it there 'cause that was way too long, too. **

**For those earlier readers, you can see I didn't change much at all. I just took some stupid stuff out and added some in.**

**Soo…my writing actually hasn't changed that much. Heh.**

**Did ya likes it? If so, click the review button over there in the bottom left corner. If not, review and tell me why. Criticism is welcome. SEE YA NEXT TIMEEE!!!!**

**~Live-Laugh-Love-Twilight~**


	2. A REALLY Late AN

**Oh my muffin goodness, I'm so sorry I forgot to update on this! I realize it's been like…a year…but anyways, I've been busy with school and extracurricular activities. Yeah, yeah, yeah, moving on.**

**Actually, now that I look back on this, I realize how immature and crappish this bullshit I wrote is. Sorry for my...inexperience? Just like my first story, I'm a little mortified I actually posted these two stories. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go and check out my first story, "Edward, Meet the Tampon." On second thought, don't.**

**That, of course, doesn't mean I'll give up on this story. Actually, I think I might make some minor changes to the story in Chapter 1. Don't worry; I won't alter it drastically for those of you who have already read it. I'll just make it less immature. =P. For those of you who have actually read the first draft though, feel free to read the new version and tell me if it's any better.**

**So where does this leave my story? I don't know when I'll update next, but I will, sure enough. I don't plan on making it more than two chapters, maybe three chapters tops.**

**Ok, sorry for my rambling. I like to ramble. BAI BAI NAO!!**


	3. Mr Unexpected

**AN: Hey guys, I'm finally back! I finally decided to continue the two-shot. This is the next chapter! I know that I've kept you waiting long enough, so here it is.**

"Like, Oh my God!" exclaimed Bella. "I love that song! Turn it up, turn it up! This be mah jamm!!" She started dancing really weirdly, in an OOC way.

"Uh…" I said in an Einstein manner. I glanced over at Edward, just to find him looking at her in a disturbing way.

"I FREAKIN' SAID TURN IT UP, YOU BASTARD!" Bella went to turn it up herself, and it was pretty loud. Especially for our sensitive vampire ears.

"WHAT THE HECK?" I protested over the music. "WHAT HAPPENED TO SWEET EMBARRASED BLUSHING BELLA?"

"I DUNNO, EMMETT! WHEN DID YOU BECOME OBSESSED WITH LLAMAS?" yelled Edward, his voice straining to be heard.

"SINCE I FOUND THIS SONG, YOU DINGBAT!" I screamed back.

"WHY ARE WE ALL YELLING IN CAPS?" asked Bella confusedly, still grooving awkwardly to the music.

"BECAUSE THE AUTHOR SAID SO! AND BECAUSE IT'S SUPPOSED TO ADD EMPHASIS! BUT IT LOOKS REALLY ANNOYING RIGHT NOW SO LET'S STOP!" I roared.

"Oh, ok," said Edward and Bella, nodding their heads understandingly.

"Anyway," said a smirking Edward. "I thought you hated llamas…" he trailed off, watching my expression.

"Don't you **dare **insult my lovable llamas. There awesome! Here, you wanna hear my song that I wrote for them? It goes like this: Oh. My. God. Becky. Look-"

"Ok Emmett, I don't think I want to know." said Edward, cutting me off while I was trying to sing my awesome song made of pure awesomeness.

"Oh, but I do!" proclaimed Bella cheerfully. Edward and I both stared at her OOCness.

"What?" She stopped dancing to look at us.

"How come you get to be all out of character? How come Edward or I can't? Huh?"

"I dunno. Maybe because the author got tired of having a lame Bella that's embarrassed about everything and blushes too much and is too quiet and clumsy. Or maybe just 'cos I'm awesome like that." Then she started doing some other weird dance moves.

"Well, I guess that makes sense," said Edward in a confused tone.

-insert many hours here when Edward gets over the whole llama thing because I am too lazy to make up stupid jokes about it-

A door slammed open, and we all looked up at Rosalie in the doorway.

"Hey, hey, Rosalie. Wanna party with us?" said Edward.

"Uh…when did you all get hooked up on that lame llama song?" she said.

"Like a couple hours ago. Where's Alice?" I asked, not really caring.

"Somewhere over the rainbow with her complete and utter happiness. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to go upstairs and do blah blah blah CLOTHES blah blah blah MAKEUP blah blah blah JOBROS blabbity blabbity BLAH." At least, that's what it sounded like to me.

"Ok, sure." said Edward.

"Yeah, whatever," said Rosalie, flipping her hair and rolling her eyes.

"Wait," I protested. "Don't you want to hear my new song about llamas?" I asked sadly.

"Lemme think about that one...NOES," she said, scooting past us and making her way upstairs.

"Oh well," said Bella. "Her loss." I nodded, and kept grooving to the beat of the llama song.

**Esme POV (which I know is REALLY random, but whatever.)**

When I was driving home after my day with Carlisle in our hotel…Mmmm…Carlisle in his sexy..never mind.

As I was saying, when I was driving home, I could hear distant music, a couple miles away from the house. I squinted my eyes and drove faster, weaving between some cars, ignoring the angry honks of other cars.

It got louder and louder as I got closer and closer, until I could hear some lyrics…

_Did you ever see a llama_  
_Kiss a llama on the llama?_  
_Llama's llama_  
_Tastes of llama_  
_Llama, llama_  
_DUCK!_

Huh. Weird.

When I finally burst inside the house, there were Alice, Jasper, Edward, Emmett, Rosalie, and even Bella dancing to that strange, catchy tune.

"What are you all doing?"

"Dancing. Can't you see that, Ma?" said Emmett.

"Mmhmm…"I said thoughtfully…

**Carlisle POV**

There I was, standing in the doorway, staring at my family in wonder. They were all dancing to that horrid llama song, and they didn't even notice I was there for the past 15 minutes.

"Hello…" I said.

Esme turned around. "Why hello, Carlisle! Come dance with us!"

"Why? This is the dumbest song ever!" I exclaimed.

"'COS IT'S FUN! NOW DEAL WITH IT!" Bella screamed in a very OOC manner.

"Seriously? Brick? Potato? Duck? Cheesecake? This song has no point!" I protested.

"That _is _the point, Dad. There's no meaning," said Jasper.

"Yeah, and it's stupid!" One by one, they all stopped dancing. Except for Bella.

"Huh. I guess you're right Dad. Wow. We wasted a whole 4 hours listening to that dumb song," said Alice miserably.

"Four hours, big deal! I've been listening to it ALL day! Literally!" said Emmett. He shook his head sadly. "How did I even get hooked on this anyways? I hate llamas! Well, bye." He disappeared into his room.

"Yeah, I'm going to go listen to some better music," said Edward loudly, then went into his room, too.

Then, one by one, all of my family filed out of the room. Only Bella stayed to dance. I went into my office.

Then I could hear the movements stopping.

"Hey," said Bella loudly. "Where'd everyone go?"

**AN: Heh, that was REALLY lame. Ha ha. Oh well, I finally finished that lame two-shot. I'm not exactly satisfied with the way I ended it. Actually, I hated it, but I don't know how I would write it if I did rewrite it. Oh well, tootles! By the way, if you're a Maximum Ride fan, go check out my new story. FAXNESS!!**

**If you press that button down there and review, you'll get a magical slice of pie. C'mon, it's delicious! And only one click away….**

**Xx-Fax to the Max-xX**


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